An oldie but a goodie! (NSFW)

[Kevthenurse]

I had to write a story about being an awkward teenager for my 2011 Prose and Poetry Class. So I thought back to high school....

What? No Happy Ending?
Based on a true story.

I wasn't generally in the habit of comparing my private parts with my peers' but by the time I was 16, I had watched a lot of porn. I thought that guys with huge penises measuring in excess of 8" in length with a circumference comparable to a fifty cent piece were normal. Unwilling to even glance at my classmates changing clothes in the same locker room, I had nothing to refute that knowledge. I was hung like a cashew. My thick bush of fine pubic hair could easily hide my little monster from view as I looked down when I took a shower, tugged one out, or emptied my bladder.
I figured out quickly that if I would bring an XL or bigger size shirt for gym class and put it on first, my very flat undies would never be exposed to my peers. Had I looked around I probably would have noticed they were doing the same thing. Leaving their school pants on, taking the school shirt off, putting the gym shirt on, and only then unbuttoning their jeans and donning their sweats. No, I wanted to change quickly before another boy glanced at my package, giving them one more thing to tease me about. Whenever nature called, I would do my business in a stall so the other boys wouldn't see me looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.
Does a steady diet of Mountain Dew really stunt the growth of one's genitals?
On one of the days I managed to stay awake for 11th grade biology class, we were learning about Mendel's foundation work on the science that would someday become genetics. Some plants were just shorter than others when nutrition and light were equal. What implications did this have for humans? Then we talked about genetic disorders...
Kleinfelter's syndrome? I subtly patted my own chest, looking for breast development...nothing. So what? My mom and sister had worn A cup bras from when they went through puberty. So now I have a tiny penis and no breasts. If I was going to be half a woman anyway, why couldn't I at least have something nice, right?
When the school day was over, I raced home and jumped on the computer. It was the late 90s and WebMD had just launched. I looked up Kleinfelter's. Relieved, but not satisfied, I still wanted to know why I was so small. We had just learned some principals of genetics and, by god, I was going to apply them. I found an article by a male sex therapist (I tried looking it up for this story, but the article no longer seems to exist, at least not on WebMD where I originally found it. No citation, sorry.) who sometimes gets the same question from his male clients. He assures his clients that when it came to penis size, usually the complaints he heard were from women--because their husbands' were so large that sex hurt.
Bullshit!
I'd seen enough porn to know a real orgasm when I heard one, and the best ones were moaned from women who'd just been serviced by one Ron Jeremy and his 11" meat wand. Later I would find out that it had more to do with his tongue slathering than his pelvic thrusting, but I was only 16 and I wouldn't have my first sexual experience for another (don't laugh) 11 years. Again, I didn't know any better.
Anyway, I read the article further and this sex therapist suggested that if a man still feels insecure about his size, that trimming the pubic hair around the region could give the illusion that the size had been enhanced.
I looked at the word "trim," and equated the word "shave." I had not shaved my face before but I watched my dad enough times to know how he does it, and how different could it be to shave down there? I mean I probably wouldn't even need to look in the mirror!
Well, I didn't want to risk leaving evidence in the bathtub so I decided to take a shower and sneak some shaving cream, a small basin of water and one of my dad's razors into my room. I didn't want my dad to use the razor after I had been touching it to my privates and I also didn't want to waste a fresh razor, so I picked one that looked well-used and that he wouldn't miss.
Quietly as possible, I dabbed shaving cream onto my abdomen and pelvic region and went to work. I was surprised at how easily the hair came off, but there was a lot of it, a shaggy, 3" thick forest of brown covering my unmentionables and I had to make several passes to cleanly shave the desired space. Fortunately, the hair on my scrotum was less coarse and came off with merely one or two passes. It took me about one half hour and, once complete, I emptied and rinsed the water basin, returning it to the bathroom along with the shaving cream, discarded the well-used razor and took a wet rag to my clean-shaven little guy. I inspected him in the mirror. He was still unimpressive.
Still hung like a cashew.
The surrounding skin was a little inflamed but that would probably clear up by morning. I put on some fresh undies and went to bed. Waking up the next day I felt a powerful burning sensation. I reached down and there were several razor bumps covering my pelvic region. I tenderly got dressed for school, rinsed my face and hair and made the long, chafing half mile walk to school and sat down for math class.
The itching was unbearable and I caught myself scratching it several times throughout the hour. Then the phone in the class rings. Mr City the math teacher explains to me that I have a phone call (internet was in it's infancy and most adults carried cell phones in the late 90s but kids generally didn't have them yet) and should report to the principal's office to take it. I thought it was strange but I gathered my backpack and coat and took the phone call. It was my mother. "Kevin, why did you go to school? You have a doctor's appointment, remember?" She wasn't angry, just bewildered. "We'll be outside in ten minutes to pick you up."
f!
Not quite one half hour later I was in the waiting room of the Riverside HealthPartners pediatric clinic. I'd always been uncomfortable undressing for my doctor. I still am. I used to refrain from touching myself for about a week before he saw me because I didn't think it was normal to masturbate every night and figured he could tell just by looking at me how often I'd engage in self love. Not this time and this wasn't my best day to see him.
"Kevin?" A middle aged nurse peeked out of the hall leading to the exam rooms. She saw my parents and I react. "Follow me please."
Fortunately, my parents respected my privacy enough to let me see the doctor without being in the room with us. The nurse led me to Dr Hitchens' exam room, took my vitals, asked me about medications, had me strip to my undies, put on a gown and have a seat on the exam table. "Dr. Hitchens is with another patient but he will be here shortly."
She left the room. I shuffled my legs and midsection on the table, crossing, then uncrossing my legs, futility trying to relieve the sensation without using my hands. In no time at all, Dr. Hitchens knocked and entered the room.
"Kevin, Hi!" He said. He seemed cheerful, evidently he'd been having a good day. "Here for your physical, huh?" Wasting no time, Dr. Hitchens grabbed an otoscope from the wall and proceeded to peer into my facial orifices. Next came the tongue depressor and a look down my throat. Each step brought us one step closer to my butchered, blistered crotch. He took the stethoscope and listened to my heart and breathing. A little elevated, but he made no mention of it.
"Now, Kevin I want you to lay down on the table."
Oh god....
He started by prodding my lower abdomen. My muscles were tense. He calmly told me to relax. No problem, but I knew what was coming next. "I want you to drop your underwear to about here," he said, gesturing at a point halfway between the hip and knee. To his credit his expression didn't change. I did as he instructed and he palpated my mutilated gonads. "Razor burn?"
Sheepishly, I nodded.
"Next time, try using a fresh razor. Do it while you are in the shower or bath, or right after. Apply skin sensitive lotion to the shaved area after you shave to prevent another breakout. I think this will clear up in a few days but you can probably use a triple antibiotic if it is very painful." He was matter-of-factly, as though he were telling any other patient how to treat the flu.
I nodded again.
"You may get dressed. If you'll excuse me, I will print a copy of your visit info and write a note for school."
I descended, tossed the gown onto the ruffled exam table paper and gingerly put my pants and shirt back on. Dr Hitchens returned with the paperwork and a note from school. He shook my hand and told me he would see me again in a year. Doctors...professional through and through.
And now I know how to properly shave my privates.
I'm still not a porn star.

[friskers96]

By god that is a winner! I totally understand the infamous cashewitis... If this was for a class you had better have been given an A.

[mqstout]

I was very thoroughly entertained. Thank you!

[Kevthenurse]

Yes, I did get an A for this paper and an A- for the class (she really liked my writing); I did lose some of the formatting so this isn't quite as powerful as the original. For instance, I used italics a lot--kind of to reflect what was going on in my mind; and I think the forum edited some of the profanity. But I am glad you enjoyed it!

[Old Dwarf]

LoL...loved it

OD