Personal Update: Bad News

[StayPuft]

(Note: Sorry. Another LOOOOONG post, so I will understand if many of you don't have the patience to read it. ;-) However, if you do read it, you will understand why it became so long)

So, I have to admit, I keep going to start writing this thread, and then second guessing myself. I hate to be that guy. We all know the type. They go all over Facebook, Myspace, whatever message boards they visit, and are constantly airing all their dirty laundry. They always have something to complain about and seems like they want to spew their personal issues to the entire world.

I do not want to be one of those guys. Spewing all this personal BS when nobody even cares. So, I usually try to keep my personal life very private. However, I have grown to think of this place, and you guys and gals as more than just a bunch of Internet folks on a message board. You guys are friends. You guys are almost like a second family. One that, sadly, I don’t get to see in person. But, at least we get to share a common obsession.

So, I kind of went back and forth on whether or not to post this. But, I felt like, for a few reasons, I wanted to let you guys know. I’ll explain the reasons in further detail below, but first, the bad news itself:

Very late last year, my then wife and I made the decision to split up. Though we haven’t been married for very long, we’d been together (and basically married in our own minds) for nearly 10 years. So, sometimes I guess people just change. I don’t want to go into too much detail. In a situation like this, it is hard for somebody so close to the situation to tell the story fairly. It is too hard not to make the other person sound like the bad guy. The most important thing is there is no bad guy here. We wanted different things out of life. They were things we thought we could come together on, but instead of that happening, they just grew bigger.

To be perfectly honest, I’d felt very unappreciated for a long time in that relationship. But, I always personally felt you work things out. I don’t believe in giving up. However, I always felt like it was me always giving, and her always taking. Relationships aren’t about one person being selfish. They are about compromise. About becoming partners. Many times, I felt committed to making things work, and never felt I got the same in return. Bottom line is, I deserve better. Coming from me, that is a REALLY powerful thing to hear myself saying. I don’t have much of a self-esteem. In fact, for most of my life, I had NO self-esteem. So, it means a lot that I would get to the point where I’d feel that way.

It was a very mutual thing. It just felt like what was best for us both. Right now, we are still technically married, but are slowly going to work towards the official divorce. It’s funny, though. In a way it was like a light switch. Once we made the decision, it was like things were back to where they should always have been. So, we’ve found that we are still very close, and plan to remain so. I know a lot of people say that at first, so hopefully that does remain the case. I can only speak for myself in that I would only ever do the right thing and make sure that she is properly taken care of in the divorce. I think I know her well enough to say the same thing for her, but time will tell for sure.

The funny thing is, in some ways, I expected to take a long time to get over all this. I expected to be very bitter and angry and turn back into the person I used to be. Strangely enough, it seems to be the opposite. I feel like the Phoenix rising from the ashes to concur the world. It is sad, but I think the truth is that I just spent so long feeling hurt and unappreciated that getting out of the situation was long overdue. So, I’ve honestly healed a lot more, and done a lot better than I even felt ready to do. Like, I honestly sometimes still feel like it is too soon for me to be this okay.

Anyway, this is getting long enough, so let me try to wrap up. I already mentioned that I finally decided to tell you all in large part because you feel like my Internet family. ;-) But, to be honest, another big reason (and mind you, this is something I’m not even thinking about until sometime down the road):

I thought, eventually I am probably going to want to date again. Eventually, I am probably going to want to find my true soulmate. When I do, I might want to talk about it here. However, I’ve mentioned my wife before, so how exactly would I do that? LOL! As far as you guys know I am married, and all of a sudden, out of the blue, I am talking about a girlfriend. What would you all think of me? LOL! If and when that ever does happen, I want it to be a happy occasion. So, I just figured it would be kind of awkward if I announced that whenever/if ever it actually happens without having announced this. ;-)

[friskers96]

This is one of those sorry to hear this/good for you moments... You always have to make sure you are happy first... If your needs are not being met, physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually, your partners won't either. My wife and I have known each other for over 20 years (childhood friends), she is borderline disabled due to back issues and is recovering from a surgery currently. The load and burden are on me atm and it gets rough. But she realizes this and makes an effort to make sure I'm still happy, a kiss, a note, random text.. Little things.. It is funny how a simple little piece of paper can change a persons outlook on a relationship though... Things have changed back since you guys came to terms with what was going on because the weight was lifted, and the chance for loss of your partner became a realization... Complacency in a situation is a bitch sometimes. And in all truth people do change.. Future outlooks change.. I'm rambling again, whenever I hook into your posts I do this. bottom line, if it feels like the right thing for you, then it is. Don't get down, it is nobody's fault, it happens. My father has been married 6 times, and he finally got it right. Sometimes it just takes time. Your a good guy and you self realization IS going to take you a long way.. Keep your chin up, you'll do great.

[alderdust]

Sorry to hear but sounds like you already made amends with the split long before you actually split up, I guess sort of mentally preparing yourself. Just keep your head up man there are plenty of zombie loving women out there. Just remember you got to look out for #1 cause no one else is going to do it for you bud. Let us know if we can help more.

[mqstout]

It sounds like it happened amicably. You can't ask for much more than that in these kinds of things.

[abomination]

Best of luck, hope everything works out for you.

[Old Dwarf]

Well better to start over than just quietly die inside.Marriage is a strange ship,it can ride out stormes,become dead in the water,
just sink or ride the waves.

I've been sailing for some time,basically the voyage depends on the crew,best of luck SP.
Oh when you find the right one have her join TZG.

OD

[Mater Tenebraum]

If you want to keep sailing OD just remember whose the Captain.

M

[zachmaio]

As bad as the news of the split is I am definitely seeing this as a positive for you. If you yourself (or anyone for that matter) knows that they deserve better and can actually see that and do something about it then I think you're better off than someone who would stay in a relationship like that and just feel as you said unappreciated.

It's great however that this isn't as ugly of a breakup/divorce as it could be, I know plenty of couples married and not whom had terrible splits and everyone just ended up miserable. The end of a relationship no matter how long it's been is always going to be tough but it's how you handle yourself in that situation and others like it that define you as a person. I don't know much about you puft (not even your real name) but from this post I feel like I know more..you're a good guy. Keep your head up man, only good things coming your way from here on out

[Emp]

Good luck SP. I also have been married and got a divorce (7 years ago) so I know how it goes. But your divorce seems to go well, mine was not so nice

Good things happen to good people! And you are one of those good guys mate!

[jimbal]

Sorry to hear about the split up...I too was very recently divorced....finalized in september. I felt exactly how you did near the end but I wouldnt give up because i loved her so much and she finally simply told me we were done and i needed to move out. Anyone who read my story on that contest might understand a little more where my mind was at when I wrote that because that came out of me right when we started the divorce proceedings. My heart and soul were shattered and at the time I thought beyond repair. I recently met someone who seems to compliment so much more than my ex wife ever did, but it still hurt every day knowing that she didnt want me anymore. I never even got a straight answer out of her about what was wrong. She never mentioned anything until she asked me to leave and I was in shock, as were her best friends and her family...no one knew it was coming. She just seemed to pull a 180 on her personality, stopped talking to all her friends and family, and eventually stopped talking to me. Since then I have been doing so much better and this new girl, whle only with her for a short time, feels so right. I dated a couple of other people before i met her, so I feel confident that its not just rebounding going on. So yeah, keep your head up, keep yourself busy, and things will work out in the end. If they dont, you can always just wait for Zday and be the estranged hero.